I’d always been so afraid of living a life that didn’t matter; I would grow old and no one would remember me. It was my biggest fear, to just be forgotten like a cheap pop song, here for a summer and gone so quickly. I used to sometimes stay up at night just thinking about ways that I could change the world somehow; impacting it with a grand gesture to ensure everyone remembered me after I was gone.

That’s why I did it, I wanted to feel like I was part of something, I wanted to be remembered. The push back of the shotgun felt exhilarating, like I was finally doing something that was affecting people, even if they fell to the floor afterwards. Shell after shell, I was walking towards them as they tried to escape the gym, all shoving each other trying to get to the exit. It was no use, I had already chained the doors together from the outside, six minutes earlier. Puddles of blood everywhere, more forming with each squeeze of the trigger. More bodies fell, one after the other, until all their bodies were on the ground.

For some reason, I always imagined this same scenario but there would be an orchestra playing in the background. There wasn’t though, the screaming eventually stopped and all I could hear was my heavy breathing with my heart feeling like it was going to burst out of my chest. I immediately wanted to run for the exit, “maybe I can still escape before they get here.” Yet, deep down I knew I wouldn’t make it off the school grounds. I knew the only two options I had given myself and I chose the latter.

The mouth of the gun felt so strange in my mouth. I thought about how strange it felt for a good while, the fact that it took up so much space in my mouth. I know why I took so much time thinking about it though; it’s because I don’t want to think about what comes next. I’d rather go through a thousand years of pain, than find out that after I pull the trigger, it just ends, that all there is, is nothing. I really hope I make it on the TV, that would be cool, I’ve never been on the TV before.

Published by @babybearrudy

I like books, photography, and films. I'm always online!

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