Personal Statement

“College has been very difficult, it takes such a toll on me mentally, emotionally and financially. I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up but I was good at math so I decided to just jump into a major not knowing what to expect, and now after four years I’m still here. I realize now that I don’t want to pursue a major in Science or Math, but the problem is I still don’t know what I do want. Why is this so hard, why isn’t there someone to tell us what we should want, why can’t I just have a sign…

I just don’t have a passion for anything anymore. There are things that I like and things I enjoy, but nothing really gets me up in the morning. I feel so hollow inside like it doesn’t matter what I do or where I go, it just doesn’t matter. I always want to be alone, I don’t find comfort in having friends over, they just aggravate me now. Why do I feel this way?

Now after a ton of paperwork I’m an Philosophy major, only because I hate it least out of all the other options. The only good news is I’ll be able to graduate this year if I take a full course load, along with taking a couple courses during the Summer, however I feel my plan is already losing momentum since I’m lacking motivation and the monetary backing of my financial aid. I just want to graduate already, make my family proud and prove to myself that I belong here, I’m tired of feeling like a fraud…. Sorry, I didn’t mean to get all personal on you, my bad” said Tommy, the straitjacket squeezing his arms into paste.

“No this is good Tommy, very very good, that’s what I am here for” the Psychiatrist started “now if you feel comfortable, you can keep going whenever you’re ready. Maybe, let’s talk about the incident in the library, for example, where did you get the knife-”

“No, I don’t want to talk about that!” snapped Tommy, his teeth grinding inside his mouth.

“That’s fine, we don’t need to talk about that right now” replied the Psychiatrist in a calming manner, “I know, let’s talk about Philosophy, why do you hate it least?”

I’m Okay

“You don’t want anything, you’re not hungry” my mother asks. I take a deep breath and slowly exhale, showing my discomfort due to the long period of sitting on metal chairs. I reply “Yeah, I’m okay Mom. If I get hungry I can just grab a taco to eat when we stop at a convenient store or something.”

We have been waiting for over an hour for the Greyhound bus and it still hasn’t arrived. “This bus is taking forever…” I say to my mom, as I look down at my screen-cracked Apple iPhone 4, after checking the time. “I hope nothing happened to the bus on the road. You never know, there are crazy people out there” My mom says. “Mom, you need to stop watching the news. The only thing that probably happened is the stupid bus driver just sucks at driving. Now, I’m going to get to Austin all late because of this stupid bus” I said, in an annoyed tone.

After another hour the bus attendant at the front desk says, “The bus from Laredo to Austin, Texas via San Antonio has been delayed but will be arriving in about thirty minutes. If all the passengers going on this trip can get in a line and have your tickets ready, that will assist us in speeding up the traveling process.” “Finally!” I say as I start yawning so it sounds like nonsense. “You know it’s okay to be scared. If you want you don’t have to go, you can just go to college here. You can just stay at home, then you don’t have to pay rent” my mother says in a low voice. Without skipping a beat I respond, “Yeah Mom, I already know, you’ve told me a hundred times.” She shrugs her shoulders, as if saying “okay fine then.”

Every five minutes from then on, we spend apologizing to the people behind us for nudging them with my large luggage bag. “You know Rebecca’s son Anthony, he was also the youngest, he went to Texas A&M and then came back after two years and owed $30,000. I don’t know why he didn’t just go to college here, it’s the same thing.” I close my eyes and open them trying to visualize the bus arriving. “Once they leave the house they forget about the mother, all they care about is finding a woman and then they never­-” “Mom you make it sound like Austin is around the world. I will come and visit, plus you can just call me if anything happens” I say as I continue to looking out the window. “That’s what all your older brothers said and now they don’t even come and visit me or call” she continues, “They find a woman and then they just forget about the mother.”

The bus finally arrives. The line waiting begins to move forward slowly “Damn this bus took forever” I say as my mom follows me in the line. “You’re not forgetting anything” my mother asks. “Nope, if I need anything I will just buy it once I get to the dorms” I reply, trying to quickly nudge my way through the door frame so no one tries to pass me in line. “Can I see your ticket?” the bus driver motions to the loose sheet of paper in my hand, “I just need to see the confirmation number.” “Yes, here you go,” I say as I hand him the online Greyhound bus pass I printed earlier in the morning. He takes one second to look at the sheet of paper, then looks up at me and says, “Okay, if you have any luggage you can just place it under the bus and then go in and take a seat that is available.”

I see other people placing their luggage and bags under the bus and do the same. After putting my luggage under the bus, I turn around to see my mother there just holding her hands, her body looking so tiny. “Don’t worry mom, I’ll call you when I get there, okay?” I reassure her while she just nods and smiles. She grabs my hand and says, “Here, just in case you need anything.” I take a quick glimpse at my hand and notice a crumpled ten dollar bill. She gives me a long warm hug. “Are you okay?” I say to her. She takes a long pause and then responds “I’m okay” As I began enter the bus, turned around and shouted, “Don’t worry mom, I’ll be okay too.” My mother’s face was red with rivers of tears running down her eyes and nose. She tried her best to fake a smile, looking even smaller now with only herself to hold onto. “I know” she mouthed and I heard her voice even with all the people shoving me to get to an open seat.

She stayed watching until the bus and her baby boy was finally out of sight. I don’t think I had ever seen my mother cry before that moment.

Poem For Erin

At first, you were but another leaf

In a forest full of trees

So many leaves to count from

So many, it was too easy to pick from

So beautiful they all were

My world, was but a blur

Leaves were easy to pick from the floor

Until I looked up, and saw a beauty I had never seen before

Hanging from the tallest tree

Only that leaf would satisfy me

Magnificent like a tigress

With an exterior

So superior

An attractiveness that summons you out of a coma

With a power that brings you to your knees

Or chooses to save you from the gallows

And can even set you free

That is my Erin

The leaf with which I have found

I am tied to and bound

But a curse it is not

But a blessing it is

The leaf I have found

Picked from the tallest tree and turned around

To see there is more to this leaf than just its exterior

At points, she makes me feel inferior

Another side just as beautiful

So passive but passionate, so calm and forgiving

If death is inevitable, she is my reason for living

Sometimes I stop to think

What if I had never picked that leaf?

Or was it her who picked me?

But now it is clear, I can see…

She wasn’t made for me…

God made me for her

To make her happy always

And protect her from evil…

Forever I’m yours

With love and hate

My body will never deviate

From that leaf named Erin

My heart wants to shout

She has planted a seed of love in me

You can hear it sprout

If you listen closely to my heartbeat…

It’s shouting!

Yet sounds just as loud as a whisper

But the fact that I can hear it

Let’s me know that I’m with her

*I made this poem over 5 years ago for an ex-girlfriend Erin*

Letter

Ralph is sitting on his small bed staring at the envelope in his hands. He wants to open it but dreads what it contains. The envelope’s header read “The University Of Texas at Austin.”

Ralph flips the envelope over and starts to open it but hesitates; this letter can change everything. He instead stuffs the envelope in his backpack and walks out of his room and into the living room.

Ralph hears the television playing and tries to walk out the front door as fast as he can.

“Hey, there’s no tortillas” says the man lying on the couch.

Ralph continued walking towards the front door.

“Hey I’m talking to you!” the man said wobbling a bit before getting up to his feet. He made his way towards Ralph, pushing his shoulders back and protruding his chest out.

Ralph stopped to a halt and turned around to face the man, uttering out an annoyed sigh.

The man was barefoot, wearing boxers and a stained muscle shirt that hadn’t been washed in days. There were a dozen empty beer cans lying on the glass coffee table with an ashtray full of cigarette butts.

“I heard you. I’ll pick some up on my way home” said Ralph.

“Are you sure you heard me? Cause I didn’t hear anything” replied the man.

“I said, I heard you” Ralph said raising his voice.

The man took a step back, pressing his hand against his chest acting surprised “Oh what a big man we have here, raising your voice. So you think you’re a big man now?”

Ralph remained silent holding his breath and standing completely still.

“Show me you’re a big man, I dare you” the man brought his hands up making them into fists and getting in a boxing stance, “You think you’re a tough guy huh” the man took a big step back and launched his fist right for Ralph’s face. The man stopped his fist an inch away from Ralph’s nose, “Now get outta my face, I don’t want to see you.”

Ralph’s eyes remained open the entire time, he was motionless until started to breath again.

The man walked back to couch and laid down, yelling “Oh, and don’t forget my tortillas!”

Ralph walked out the front door, taking a few steps with tears starting to roll down his cheeks. He made his way to the school bus stop, trying to wipe his tears away so the other kids wouldn’t make fun of him.

Ralph got on the bus and sat alone in the back of the bus. He reached for his backpack and opened the envelope, pulling the letter out to read it. Tears began to roll down his face again, the kids sitting a few seats in front of him started making fun, “Ha ha look at Ralph he’s crying!”

This didn’t affect Ralph though because his he had the biggest smile on his face, he wiped his tears away and clears his throat stuffing the letter back into his backpack. “I’m not crying, I just got something in my eye!” Ralph yelled back.

letterhead.jpg

Rafael Hernandez March 14, 2019 400 Meadow Dr Laredo, TX 78041

Dear Mr. Hernandez:

Congratulations! Based on a review of your current academic credentials and personal achievements. I am pleased to inform you that you have been admitted to the University Of Texas at Austin. In accordance with admissions policy, the Admissions Committee has reviewed your requested majors in order of listed preference and admitted you to the college and major for which you have qualified.

Sincerely, Judy Herrera The Office Of Admission

Chelsea

“Hel-” Chelsea said, trying to speak. She began to cough viciously.

A red light started blinking very rapidly on the machine to the right side of her bed.

Chelsea tried to turn her head to get a better look at the machine but felt constrained by all the needles in her arm and something pulling at her nose. “What is happening, where am I?” she thought, feeling weak and sore as if she had just completed a full body workout the day before.

Chelsea looked around the room. Everything was white, from the walls to the crown molding to the ceilings. She was on a hospital bed and she could hear coughing, rapid talking and beeping machines outside of the room.

There was a knock on the door, a lady dressed in all white appeared and rushed towards the machine where the red light was blinking. The nurse was tampering with the machine until the red light stopped blinking, then she moved on to fix the needles on Chelsea’s arm.

“Hello” Chelsea’s voice cracked.

The nurse jerked back against the machine she had just re-calibrated, “Oh my gosh you startled me” she said with her hands pressed against her chest.

“Sorry about-” Chelsea managed to blurt out before she started coughing again.

“Let me go and get you some water, I’ll be right back” the nurse said before she started for the exit of the room.

“Wait!” Chelsea whispered, “What happen-” she started coughing, trying to fight it but she kept coughing.

The nurse paused at the doorway of the room, “All I know is that you were in an accident. I’ll be right back with that water okay” and then left the room.

Chelsea finally managed to stop coughing and tried to think back to the last thing she could remember. “I was in my mom’s car going home,” she started to think “I was picking up Jeremy from soccer practice, he was in the passenger seat.”

Cereal

“This cereal is really good daddy, thank you” Ellie said as she wiped her mouth with her hand.

“Ellie, what did we say about wiping our mouth?” said Darrell, pulling a paper towel off the roll.

“Sorry daddy, I forget sometimes… please don’t be mad at me.” replied Ellie with her head down to her cereal.

Darrell took a breath, “Here” he pulled her chin up and wiped her mouth with the paper towel, “I’m not mad at you darling, I just wish you would listen to what I say.”

“I’m sorry daddy, I will be good. I need to go to school now,” Ellie started to get up from her seat.

Darrell grabbed her wrist, “Finish your cereal first.” He had a big smile on his face.

Ellie’s breathing got faster, “Okay daddy, I will, don’t be mad.” She then went on to finish her cereal as fast as possible, trying to control her breathing.

“So… you haven’t asked me a question for a few days now” Darrell paused, “Why is that?”

“No reason, I just don’t have any questions” replied Ellie, “I’m finished now, see.” Showing him the bowl, “I’m off to school now.” Ellie got up from her chair and tried to get to the front door.

“Darling!” commanded Darrell, “How about this? You can ask me anything, and I promise I won’t get mad.”

Ellie had her hand on the door, her breathing started to get fast again, “I don’t have any questions, daddy-”

“Don’t lie to me, I said I promise I won’t get mad” he said.

Her hand still on the door, “You promise…?”

He cracked a smile, “Yes darling, I won’t get mad.”

She took a second with her hand still on the door, “Can we see mommy?”

Darrell began to press his teeth inside his mouth, “No! Ask me something else.” his eyes were more serious now.

“I need to get to school daddy-” she started, her hand still on the door, wanting to just open it and leave.

“Ellie, ask me something else. I promised… I won’t get mad.” he said.

She took a deep breath, “Why is mommy in the basement?”

Glass Half Full

“Are you going to drink that?” said the bartender. He had been ignoring the stranger but noticed that they hadn’t touched their glass.

The stranger remained silent, staring at the drink with his right hand in his jacket, moving it around like he was rubbing his fingers on something inside the pocket.

The bartender wanted to ignore him but no one else was at the bar. He noticed the dog tags the stranger was wearing around his neck, “Oh did you serve?” and waited for a response.The stranger let out a cough, still looking at the glass “You know… when I was a teenager, I met the most beautiful girl in the world. Those eyes could floor you with one look, and they did just that to me.” The bartender stepped a little closer towards the bar putting down the glass he had wiped down and picked up a dirty one. “I ain’t come from money, so I joined the Marines right out of high school and left her here in the States” the stranger looked up from the glass and started talking to the Bartender, “I was so sure she would find someone else, you couldn’t keep a girl like that from being noticed in that town. She could’ve had any smuck she wanted but when I came back from my tour she was waiting for me, can you believe that?” the stranger’s mouth cracked out a tiny smirk. It didn’t look right, the man’s face looked as if he hadn’t smiled in ages.The bartender put down the glass and stopped cleaning, his body inching closer to the stranger. “So what happened next…” the bartender asked.“Well, I got a job as a trucker and gave her a few kids. I worked a lot, taking extra assignments to make some more money. I just wanted to give her and the kids the best life; the life she deserved. I set us up in a nice big home surrounded by a red picket fence and a huge front door. I even got her this stupid little dog she always wanted; we were really happy” said the stranger moving his gaze back to the glass, pulling his right hand out of his jacket to grab the glass.The stranger started moving the glass around slowly, looking at the whiskey flow inside “But long trips on a truck alone do make you lonely. I started drinking… so much some days that the sun and the night just kind of meshed together… One night coming back from one of my trips, I was so hammered and angry and I just didn’t want to hear it. This beautiful woman who had made me the most happiest man and gave me the most wonderful kids…” He paused taking a moment to gulp down his drink, letting out a sigh of content, “Damn that’s strong! Pour me another one.” 

Hunny

The sunlight bounced off of her skin, she glimmered with a radiating smile. She was the only good thing about all of this, the only thing left worth fighting for. She was everything to me and I was about to rip her heart out.

“Not here Frank, let’s do it another day” I pleaded, “Today is a bad day for her.”

“Everyday is a bad day Heather, we need to do it now because sooner or later she’s going to figure out what’s going on” replied Frank.

I knew Frank was right. It was time, but my heart wanted to keep her smile from fading as long as I could.

“Okay fine, but let me be the one to do it, it won’t sound so harsh coming from me” I said.

“Fine, whatever you think is best” replied Frank.

“Delilah! Come here for a moment” I said.

“Coming Mommy!” Delilah came rushing to the park bench where her parents were sitting, “Watch this!” She was running faster now, doing a cartwheel with her body, “I learned that at school yesterday, isn’t it cool?”

“That was so amazing Hunny” I replied, turning to face Frank, “Wasn’t that amazing Frank-”

Frank gave me a stern look, he wasn’t budging. I took a deep breath and turned back to facing her. That smile still beaming with happiness. She was so beautiful, I just wanted to stop time and keep her smile for eternity.

My heart wanted to break in half. I placed my left hand on her shoulder and started to run my fingers through her long brown hair. “Look Hunny” I started, “Your father and I love you very much, and we’re always going to keep loving you. I just want you to know none of this is your fault, okay.”

Accusation

Adviser: “You are here today, due to the accusation that you have stolen from the throne, which is punishable by death. No one is exempt from this fate, unless the King decides otherwise.”

The court doors slam open, general Minaris rushes in

Minaris: “What is this? Why is my boy in chain-“

King: “Your son is in chains because someone accused him of stealing from the throne, from stealing from ME!”

Minaris checks himself and takes a knee, bowing his head

Minaris: “I’m deeply sorry Sire, I was unaware of these accusations against my boy however you must understand my lord, they are just accusations.”

King: “Rise Minaris, stand by your boy.”

Minaris rises and walks to his son

The boy is shaking and sobbing, like a scared child.

Boy: Sobbing, “I’m sorry father I didn’t me-“

Minaris: Whispering, “Silence boy, let me do the talking.”

Adviser: “Minaris, these accusations do come from the royal cabinet. Are you sure you are willing to go against them? You will face the same fate as your son if found guilty.”

Minaris: “I am aware.”

Adviser: “Okay then, let the trial commence.”

Dark

“You’re the one who wanted me here, you are the one who needed me here?”

“What!? Why would I want you here. Why in God’s name would I need you?”


“Now, now. There’s no need to use the G word. I just go where I’m wanted and I sensed you desired me.”


“But I don’t want you here, I don’t want this, I DON’T!”


“Yes, you do Veronica. Stop fighting it, you’re so close. So close to finally getting rid of all that pain. Just look at you, you’ve been through so much already. You just need to take that final step. Won’t you take that final step, I’ll go with you and make it all go away. It will all be easier once you do it. Here, let me help you.”


“NO! Stay back! I don’t want this, I don’t want you!”


“Veronica, don’t push me away, I only want what’s best for you. I’m not like them, they don’t deserve you. They don’t deserve how much you’ve given them. Everything you do and all they care about is themselves. Show them a lesson, only then will they learn. Learn how much they needed you, how much they just took you for granted.”

*Veronica shuts her eyes. Bursting out tears that begin to roll down her cheeks. The blade begins to slide against her neck.*

“There, there, Veronica. You’re doing so good. Just a little more. Just a little more. Just a little more.”